Chick Humor

The Good Husband

2006-05-22T17:34:00.000-07:00

Submitted by Naddin J (who's having technical difficulties)

The Good Husband!

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party.

As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror
written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick:

"Honey, breakfast is ready for ;you, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning
newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son... what happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then
you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."

Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me!"

His son replies, "Oh THAT! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, lady, I'm married!"

Broken Coffee Table $39.99

Hot Breakfast $4.20

Two Aspirins $.38

Saying the right thing, at the right time . . .
PRICELESS!!!

Sleepless In Seattle, The Guy Version

2006-05-20T15:14:00.000-07:00

For those of you who loved Sleepless in Seattle, check out this new (guy) version

Please, won't somebody think of the children?

2006-05-03T20:49:00.000-07:00

Clicky for larger image goodness

Cop Humor

2006-04-16T15:49:00.000-07:00

submitted by Natalie's husband Brian

The following 15 Police Comments were taken off of actual police car videos around the country.

#15. "Relax; the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."

#14. "Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

#13. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

#12. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? In case you didn't know, that is the average speed of a 9 mm bullet fired from my gun."

#11. "So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"

#10. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"

#9. "Warning? You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

#8. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

#7. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey DOO."

#6. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

#5. "No, sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."

#4. "Just how big were those two beers?"

#3. "In God we trust, all others we run through CPIC/NCIC.."

#2. "I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail."

And.................... THE BEST ONE !!!!!!!

#1 "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."

Mysterious Mystery Solved

2006-04-12T16:52:00.000-07:00

Submitted By Naddin J's Uncle JR:

This is Pretty Amazing!!!!!

Bill owns a company that manufactures and installs car wash systems. (Magic Wand Car Wash Systems, just in case you want to buy one.) Bill's company installed a car wash system in Frederick, Md.

Now, understand that these are complete systems, including the money changer and money taking machines.The problem started when the new owner complained to Bill that he was losing significant amounts of money from his coin machines each week.

He went as far as to accuse Bill's employees of having a key to the boxes and ripping him off. Bill just couldn't believe that his people would do that, so they setup a camera to catch the thief in action. Well, they did catch him on film!

Surprise!

That's a bird sitting on the change slot of the machine.

The bird had to go down into the machine, and back up inside to get to the money!

That's three quarters he has in his beak!

Another amazing thing is that it was not just one bird -- there were several working together. Once they identified the thieves, they found over $4000 in quarters on the roof of the car wash and more under a nearby tree.

And you thought you had heard of everything by now!!! And to think the phrase "bird brain" is associated with being dumb. Not these birds.

It's Coming! Are You Ready?

2006-04-12T16:49:00.000-07:00

A Woman Who Can Read

2006-04-11T22:38:00.000-07:00

Submitted by Mia T.

One morning a husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out.

She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.

Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading a book," she replies, thinking, "Isn't that obvious?"

"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.

"I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.

"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.

"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."

"Have a nice day, ma'am," and he left.

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.

Court Transquips

2006-04-11T22:36:00.000-07:00

Check out these real-life quotes. They’re things people actually said in court, recorded word for word.

Q. “How did you get here today?”
A. “I had a friend bring me.”
Q. “The friend’s name?”
A. “We call him Fifi.”
Q. “To his face?”

Q. “What did you do to prevent the accident?”
A. “I just closed my eyes and screamed as loud as I could.”

Q. “Do you remember the context in which your husband brought the issue up?”
A. “Not really. I try not to listen when he talks.”

Q. “Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?”

Defendant: “You know, I hate coming out here at seven in the morning and sitting downstairs with a bunch of criminals.”
Judge: “I have to do the same thing every day.”
Defendant: “Yeah, but you don’t have to sit down in a holding tank with ‘em.”
Judge: “Every day I come in and I meet the dregs of society, and then I have to meet their clients.”

Q. “Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?”
A. “No.”
Q. “Did you check for blood pressure?”
A. “No.”
Q. “Did you check for breathing?”
A. “No.”
Q. “So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?”
A. “No.”
Q. “How can you be so sure, doctor?”
A. “Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.”
Q. “But could the patient have still been alive nonetheless?”
A. “It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.”

Q. “How many times have you committed suicide?”

-- Uncle John's All-Purpose Extra Strength Bathroom Reader

Hormone Hostage

2006-04-11T22:35:00.000-07:00

The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his very life into his own hands! This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or significant other!!

DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: WOW! Look at you!
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: What did I do wrong?
SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars.
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of juice with that?
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: What did you do all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo it today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe!
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some more chocolate.

12 Things PMS Stands For:
1. Pass My Shotgun
2. Psychotic Mood Shift
3. Perpetual Munching Spree
4. Puffy Mid-Section
5. People Make me Sick
6. Provide Me with Sweets
7. Pardon My Sobbing
8. Pimples May Surface
9. Pass My Sweatpants
10. Plainly, Men Suck
11. Pack My Stuff........And my favorite one...
12. Potential Murder Suspect

Remember: Money talks...but chocolate sings.

My husband, not happy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods. When I'm in a good mood, it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big red mark on his forehead. Maybe next time he'll buy me diamonds.

Here, have some chocolate.

Does This Look Familiar?

2006-04-09T16:57:00.000-07:00

Redneck Joke - submitted by Brian's Aunt Bev

2006-03-16T22:31:00.000-08:00

"Hello, is this here the Sheriff's Office?"
"Yes. What can I do for you?"
"I'm calling to report my neighbor, Virgil Smith. He's drillin' holes in his firewood and hiding marijuana inside!"
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."

The next day, the Sheriff and his deputies descend on Virgil's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they split every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave.

The phone rings at Virgil's house.
"Hey, Virgil! This here is Floyd. Did the Sheriff come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they split yer farwood?"
"Yep!"
"Happy Birthday, buddy!"

I can't help myself

2006-03-14T14:56:00.000-08:00

I'm sorry

A Friday funny

2006-03-14T10:49:00.000-08:00

This was in an e-mail I (Sariah) received...

1. There was a church that had problems with outsiders parking in its parking lots, so they put up a sign:
CHURCH PARKING - FOR MEMBERS ONLY
Trespassers will be baptized!

2. "No God - No Peace.
Know God - Know Peace."

3. "Free Trip to heaven
Details Inside!"

4. "Try our Sundays.
They are better than Baskin Robbins."

5. "Searching for a new look?
Have your faith lifted here!"

6. An ad for one Church has a picture of two hands holding stone tablets on which the Ten Commandments are inscribed and a headline that reads, "For fast, fast, fast relief, take two tablets."

7. When the restaurant next to another Church put out a big sign with red letters that said, "Open Sundays," the church reciprocated with its own message: "We are open on Sundays, too."

8. "People are like tea bags -- you have to put them in hot water before you know how strong they are."

9. "Fight truth decay -- study the Bible daily."

10. "How will you spend eternity - Smoking or Nonsmoking?"

11. "Dusty Bibles lead to Dirty Lives"

12. "Come work for the Lord. The work is hard, the hours are long and the pay is low. But the retirement benefits are out of this world."

13. "It is unlikely there'll be a reduction in the wages of sin."

14. "Do not wait for the hearse to take you to church."

15. "If you're headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns."

16. "If you don't like the way you were born, try being born again"

17. "Looking at the way some people live, they ought to obtain eternal fire insurance soon."

18. "This is a ch_ _ ch. What is missing?" (U R)

19. "In the dark? Follow the Son"

20. "Running low on faith? Step in for a fill-up."

21. "If you can't sleep, don't count sheep. Talk to the Shepherd."

Were You Raised in a Barn?

2006-03-14T10:48:00.000-08:00

Tell the truth - how are your manners? Maybe you need some help from these old etiquette books. Then again, maybe not. :)

"Although asparagus may be taken in the fingers, don't take a long drooping stalk, hold it up in the air, and catch the end of it in your mouth like a fish." --Etiquette, 1922

"If a dish is distasteful to you, decline it, but make no remarks about it. It is sickening and disgusting to explain at a table how one article makes you sick, or why some other dish has become distasteful to you. I have seen a well-dressed tempting dish go from a table untouched, because one of the company told a most disgusting anecdote about finding vermin in a similar dish." --Martine's Handbook of Etiquette, 1866

"It is not the correct thing to put the spoon or fork so far into the mouth that the bystanders are doubtful of its return to the light." --The Correct Thing in Good Society, 1902

"When you have blown your nose, you should not open your handkerchief and inspect it, as though pearls or rubies had dropped out of your skull. Such behavior is nauseating and is more likely to lose us the affection of those who love us than to win us the favor of others." --The Book of Manners, 1958

"It is bad manners, when you see something to nauseate you by the roadside, as sometimes happens, to turn to your companions and point it out to them. Still less should you offer any evil smelling object for others to sniff, as some people do, insisting upon holding it up to their noses and asking them to smell how horrible it is." --The Book of Manners, 1958

(From Uncle John's All-Purpose Extra Strength Bathroom Reader)

Submitted by Stephanie J.

2006-03-14T10:46:00.000-08:00

Pregnancy Q & A and more!

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?

Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.

10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE "ESTROGEN ISSUES"

1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5. You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says: "How's my driving? Call 1-800-".
6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
7. Everyone seems to have just landed here from "outer space."
8. You can't believe they don't make a tampon bigger than Super Plus.
9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday..

TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND
10. Cats' facial expressions.
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.
7. Fat clothes.
6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.
5. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell.
4. Cutting your hair to make it grow.
3. Eyelash curlers.
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.

AND, the Number One thing only women understand :

1. OTHER WOMEN

Life - From a Child's Perspective

2006-03-14T10:45:00.000-08:00

NUDITY

I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a Woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!

HONESTY

My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago.

OPINIONS

On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a Note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."

ELDERLY

While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderlyshut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. The various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs, unfailingly intrigued her. One day I found her staring at apair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The toothfairy will never believe this!"

BIBLE

A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found", the boy called out" What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"

Really Bad, Awful, Terrible Jokes

2006-03-14T10:44:00.000-08:00

Yes, we know these jokes are bad and you’ll groan when you read them…and then you’ll tell them to someone else.

Q. What has four legs and one arm?
A. A rottweiler.

Q. Hear about the ship that ran aground carrying a cargo of red paint and black paint?
A. The whole crew was marooned.

Q. What is the difference between ignorance, apathy, and ambivalence?
A. I don’t know and I don’t care one way or the other.

Q. How much do pirates pay for their earrings?
A. A buccaneer.

Q. What do you call a midget fortune teller who escaped from prison?
A. A small medium at large.

A man walks into a psychiatrist’s office with a banana up his nose and says, “What’s the matter with me, Doc?”
The psychiatrist says, “You’re not eating properly.”

Upon seeing a flock of geese flying south for the winter, the bird watcher exclaimed, “Migratious.”

If you’re swimming in the creek and an eel bites your cheek, that’s a moray.

(From Uncle John's All-Purpose Extra Strength Bathroom Reader... you should really look into these books, they're pretty funny.)

HOW TO DRIVE PEOPLE NUTS

2006-03-14T10:43:00.000-08:00

- Call an addiction hot line and explain that you’re hooked on phonics.
- Go to an airport wearing a suit of armor and try walking through the metal detector.
- Call the Q-Tips 800 number and say that one of the cotton swab parts just came off in your ear. When they reply, keep shouting, “What? What? What did you say?”
- Go to the polar bear enclosure at the zoo and shout, “C’mon, Larry, enough’s enough! Take off that costume and come back to the office!”
- Call National Acme Co. Ask if they have any products you could use to kill a roadrunner.
- Rush yourself to the ER and explain to the night nurse that you were resting on your leg for a long time and now it feels like pins and needles. Ask if they’ll have to amputate.
- In the middle of the night, noisily bury a full dressed mannequin in your backyard. Arrange lawn furniture on the fresh mound and sit down in it quickly when the police arrive.